Stuart Wilde Q&A: Relationships

Are There Really Soulmates?

Q: I've been in a number of unhealthy relationships that have left me drained and fragile. I hang on to the belief that my soulmate is out there somewhere. Am I living in a fantasy? Is there really such a thing as a soulmate?

A: There are definitely soulmates, and it's very possible that you may find somebody with whom you are compatible. However, many people who are raising their energy and working on themselves find it very difficult to sustain "old style" relationships. The patriarchal systems on which they are based are too restrictive; they are often designed to impose obligations and authority over the parties involved.

Nowadays, people who are spiritually aware and evolving need a lot of space, and it is often difficult to find another person who is secure enough to allow you to have that space. I've always recommended that you marry yourself first. I know people who have gone through formal ceremonies with themselves in the bathroom mirror. Marry yourself first, be content, be secure. Then if you can find a compatible person who is also solid and content with themselves, you have the makings of a pair of perfect soulmates.

Humans are very complex, and because we all have so many emotions to deal with and issues to work through, successful relationships also depend on a formal system of communication — not just a chat in the mornings and evenings when you've got a minute — a system whereby you spend an hour or two together on a regular basis at an appointed time, where you share your feelings, and express any concerns that have come up, without making your partner wrong. Your partner, in turn, can express their concerns, and together you can work on how things can be sustained at a high level of energy.

It's also important to remember that, nowadays, the energy of many people is oscillating so quickly, and there are so many "custodians of light" that the relationships you have can be very meaningful, and yet short. Because of the speed both of you are oscillating at, you can complete everything there is to complete in the relationship and move beyond each other quite quickly. My old teacher used to say that you come together for growth, not necessarily for life. If your relationship lasts all your life, well, that's a beautiful thing. But, of course, nowadays every relationship has to accommodate enormous amounts of change, because society is changing rapidly and we live in "high-energy" times.

Love, Marriage & Divorce

Q: What are your views on marriage and divorce?

A: Marriage was invented a long time ago as a contract between a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female. We can only trace romantic love back to about a thousand years ago. Prior to that, there wasn't any romantic love. It's an idea that has been invented, like a philosophy or a religion. It has been made very special.

In the olden days, when life expectancy was short and people lived 30 or 40 years at most, the idea of men and women being together for their whole lives was feasible, especially as they lived in the context of a sluggish energy that didn't change much. There wasn't a lot of difference between England in the 1400s and the 1700s, when it came to sexuality, marriage, relationships, and so on.

Sexuality burst open with the advent of the Pill and other birth control methods, and now relationships can move so much more quickly. Some marriages might last only 20 minutes, because everything has been said and done in that time. I think marriages, relationships, and energy get used up faster because our society is moving faster.

Also, somebody has to rethink how marriage works, because obviously the patriarchal system - where the male dominates and the female gives birth and stays in the home -- is not appropriate for everyone anymore. Yet in tossing that idea out, we often have these archaic ideas that if the marriage doesn't work, the male is somehow supposed to sustain the female. So, on the one hand, we don't like the idea of the male dominating the female in the house, but once the male leaves, the law can say it's his responsibility to give the woman the home and sustain her. Of course, this creates a lot of problems because things are changing. We have to come to a middle ground where people think about what they actually want, or what is fair.

It's always seemed to me that romance is a money-making business. I used to say this in my seminars and receive howls of protest. Everybody likes to think that romance is a pristine special thing and nobody is thinking of cash, security, prenuptial settlements, postnuptial divorce payments, and so on. I've always had the impression that in the USA, in spite of their modern way of thinking, when it comes to Saturday night and everybody's partying, there's a lot of horse trading going on. The guy who is rich and successful gets plenty of ladies, and the guy who doesn't have any money gets less. So there must be something about the economy of romance that seems to attract ladies up the higher end of the economic scale. Then again, you may possibly fall in love with a tramp if that's what you're supposed to do in this lifetime.

I don't think there will ever be a simple answer to marriage and divorce. Basically there is no point in hanging out with somebody you don't like. However, having said that, I do believe that there is a validity in staying together for the sake of children. So some people make a compromise. The rules of marriage are going to have to be rewritten. I'm not keen on the idea of single mothers, because I think children need the presence and influence of their father. I'm definitely not keen on the idea of single mothers raising kids with money from the government. So the whole thing is in a state of flux... we'll have to wait and see.

Whether you're heterosexual or gay, a sacred commitment is wonderful and can really increase your energy. It doesn't have to be a formal marriage, but by making that commitment, metaphysically you will bounce off your partner, and your partner will bounce off you, and bit by bit you can build each other up. You are reflected in your partner, and he or she is reflected in you, so you learn about yourself while simultaneously raising your energy. A solid, committed relationship is a wonderful thing and can create a lot of power. It can also be destructive and debilitating when it isn't going well. So it's a risky business.

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Developing Spiritual Balance

Q: In your tape series "Strengthen Your Loving Relationships" you explain how females have a natural spiritual balance. You also mention that when women figure that out and stop trying to compete with male energies, they will begin to know their power. Do you have any thoughts on how they might be able to do this in a balanced way? It seems like the role models we see of women who have "made it" today are women who have done so by pushing their way through.

A: It's true that we seem to see the role models who take a more "yang" pushy attitude to life.

However, you have to qualify what you mean by "making it". In the ego's currency, "making it" is money, glamour, success, power, fast cars, and the like. In my view, making it is more of a spiritual exercise, so there are millions upon millions of women who have made it quietly in a spiritual way who would not be considered successful in the ego's world.

If you adopt the ego's currency for your life, then you do have to push. We live in a patriarchal society that requires yang types of action, investment, shoving, self-advertising, and so on. If you work in the currency of the higher self or the infinite self, then making it is something very different.

Obviously, one needs to develop a balance -- a certain amount of "making it" in order to be creatively and financially successful, and a certain amount of embracing one's feminine spirituality. I know loads of soft, feminine ladies who are self-made millionaires, so it can be done.

Women have to walk a fine line between making a living and asserting themselves so they're not used and manipulated by other people. But then again, the balance is the same for males, because the tendency for males is to push so hard and to strive with such zeal that they push the very thing they want away from themselves. Many males tend to overwork themselves and lose track of their childlike qualities and their inner yin softness.

Choosing Between Love & Spirituality?

Q: Both my relationship and my spiritual path are sacred to me, but it seems I must choose one over the other. Which is more important, a loving relationship with a partner who does not share my interest in spirituality, or a wonderful spiritual life without the partner of my dreams?

A: I think it's a terrible thing if you have to choose between your spirituality and your relationship. I certainly couldn't be in a relationship if my partner was antagonistic to my spiritual life and way of thinking. I think I could be in a relationship if they were neutral, though.

In modern relationships you often find that both parties might start out in a very Neanderthal tick-tock consciousness, then one party begins to work on themselves and really moves forward metaphysically and spiritually. This leaves the other Neanderthal member behind.

Sometimes that will work fine, because a compromise takes place, and metaphysics and spirituality are simply not discussed. Then sometimes you can evolve yourself out of a relationship because you're moving quickly and your partner isn't.

If you've grown way beyond your partner, you might have to leave. I can't imagine a relationship that was so magnificent I'd want to give up my metaphysics or spirituality or my path toward God. Somebody else might think differently, but that's my view.

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Q: I have a burning desire to explore tantric sex, but my partner is not interested. What do you suggest?

A: This is a tough one. I think tantric sex manuals and books are laced with a lot of "ooh" and "aah" that doesn't amount too much. A lot of it is the raising of the kundalini from the root to the crown chakra, and I think you can do that quietly on your own. The heat of the sexual act creates energy, which you can mentally pull up the spine to the crown chakra. Visualizing it rising unblocks the etheric channel, and the power flows up the spine to the top of the head. You can create the effect of tantric sex without the other partner really knowing what's going on.

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Q: How do you know when to persevere with a relationship and when to let go?

A: If you feel restricted or if you feel a tremendous amount of emotional pain, then you really need to see whether those knots and that restriction can be unraveled. If they can't, obviously it is the fault of the relationship and your reaction to the relationship, and you should probably let go.

What is the level of restriction you feel? What is the level of emotional pain you feel? Are you getting out of this relationship as much as you're putting in? If there is an overdraft, an imbalance in the emotional-energy bank account, then you need to reassess the relationship.

It seems weird that people nowadays are so scared of being on their own. Being on your own somehow seems like a failure. When you think about it, being on your own actually exhibits maturity.

Most people who think they need someone in order to feel safe and secure probably don't need anybody at all. In fact, they probably ought to live on their own for a bit and become self-sufficient.